You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
