Princesses don't give blow jobs
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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