but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
