I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
