i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
