Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
