Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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