Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
