Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
