Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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