Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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