Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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