In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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