you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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