I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
