what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
