I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
