There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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