today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
