My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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