Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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