so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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