I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
