I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
