highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
