I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.