My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
