I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
