There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra