I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.