I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
