I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
