why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
