another moral hangover. fuck.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?