I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.