In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
