you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
