Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
