I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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