Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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