yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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