I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
