i permit you to call me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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