is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
