I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
