I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
