i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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