DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
