Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
