Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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