well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
