Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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