It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
