She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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