i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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