May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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