just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
