Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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