I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
