But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
