The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
