tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
